Truth is...

I am so glad I am back to blogging.  Not nearly as much as I used to be of course, but I am back for the most part.  Lately life has been interesting.  I think God has a plan for me that I am just entirely unaware of anymore.  Every direction I seem to turn another door closes and right when I think Im on track I am quickly reminded I am not.  I am starting to question everything.
So please forgive me if that sounds Debbie Downer of me, but its honest.  I know God wants me to slow down, or someone wants me to slow down...I got that message loud and clear the night of my heart attack.  Spend time with Brayden...check, spend time with family....check check.  What next?  I guess those are the most important things right?  Then why do I have this enormous hole in my soul nagging me that I need more?  I don't know either.
Brayden is such a great little boy.  I am amazed daily by his thoughts, his expressions, and his ability to have radar on my heart and soul more so than I even do these days.  He knows when I don't feel good, when Im crabby, happy, sad, and confused faster than I do most days.  That makes me sad.  Sad that he can see what a mess I am before I even notice it.  He shouldnt know that at 4.  He shouldnt know that "mommy had a heart attack" or that "mommy doesnt feel good".  He does though, because we are honest with him.  He isnt stupid so it wouldnt behoove us to lie. I wish those words never had to enter his vocabulary.  I wish things were different, but they are what they are I know.  I just havent figured out how to be me anymore with all of those variables. 
Im sure I am sad, and probably more down than I should be right now.  I also know this is part of a heart attack (surgery) patient recovery.  It still sucks though.  I feel like I can talk until I am blue in the face and nobody who hasnt experienced it knows what Im talking about, or really how vulnerable I feel about it.  I am fearful that with every excursion, I am going to die.  I fear that I will have another heart attack and pray that it just isnt some night where Ron has to work in the morning and Brayden will have to figure it out alone in the morning.  I am afraid that I wont see him graduate, get married, or ever hold my grandchildren.  I fear a lot of things, but those are at the top of my list.  I am 34.  Those fears should be nowhere in my mind right now.  I get angry.  I question why it had to happen, and why me.  I question God and why I feel like he is nowhere near me anymore.  I feel different.  I cannot explain it.  Those are just honest words.  Crazy to some Im sure, but not to me.  Those thoughts are in my mind every.single.day. 
I love days where I am so happy and preoccupied that I forget those fears.  I dread those happy days too though because I seem to only forget those fears for a moment and then my stomach sinks when I remember.  Then add looking at your happy life in that moment and wondering if that will be your last happy moment with your family or your child.  Hell...I could live another 50 years, or I could die tomorrow...nobody knows that.  I just feel like now a huge stack of odds are against me more so than ever and everyday seems like a struggle to get through.  It just isnt fun right now. 
I need a therapist Im sure.  I have no medical insurance though.  I cant get any help either because my husband makes too much money, so I am that person that fell through the cracks.....waiting to live and praying I don't die.  It brings a whole other dynamic to the day.  I told Ron after my heart attack that it is every parents worst fear in the world to have something happen to one of their children.  It is every parents second worst fear to have something happen to themselves leaving their children in the lurch.  It became painfully obvious to me the morning Brayden came to see me in the hospital with that look on his face.  I downplayed it.  Then I cried.  I still dont know for sure if it was wise to be so open with him about all of it, but it felt right at the time. 
So...here I am worried.  I probably wouldnt be as worried if I had the many prescriptions I needed right now to maintain my heart functioning well.  I cant afford them though.  My meds cost more than $2000.00 dollars per month...yes per month...and many I am told I cannot live without.  So now what?  Scream? Cry? Pray?  I don't know.  So...I grip every moment I can.  I tell Brayden I love him 100 times a day and kiss him so much he pushes me away ;-)  I talk to my Mom on the phone every single day and everyone in my family knows I love them.  I cry out in frustration about this and other things to my family and I pray for a miracle.  Im going to need one.  I buy meds 10 or 20 pills at a time and mostly just get the ones that I really need...when I know I really need them all. Should Ron and I divorce on our 10 year anniversary this year so I can get my prescriptions?
Im not joking...the thought has seriously crossed my mind.  I just don't know anymore what to do. 
My mom keeps telling me to write Obama, our senator, anyone and everyone who will listen.  I honestly wonder if any of those folks would do anything at all.  I then realize I am just far too tired for all of that.  I sit, cry, feel overwhelmed and am action less in my endeavors.  Seems silly that someone who is so scared of dying cannot make steps to stay alive right?  I keep hitting brick walls and the only ones that care are the closest people to me that know really the hell I am going through right now.  To survive and be able to get out of bed everyday, I  should take:

Humira
Forteo
Glipizide
Humalin
Humalog
Carvedilol
Nitro
Ramipril
Crestor
Plavix
Baby aspirin

Its alot isnt it?  Imagine knowing you need all of those things to stay alive and not having them.  My faith is shaking. My faith in this world is broken.  I am an honest hard working person who needs help from somewhere and cant get it anywhere.  I will not do well or survive without these medications.  THAT is why I fear every single day.  I smile, make jokes, laugh and giggle as much as I can.  I wonder at the end of the day when the whole world is sleeping why I am still awake...worrying.  I know that isnt good either for my health...but Im kind of scared to go to sleep.  My heart attack woke me up that night....will it next time? 
Sorry if this is raw.  Its not my intention to get "poor Shannon" from this.  I just need everyone that knows me to know where I am right now...where I really am.  I have a really hard time letting people into my real world at times, and I really need some strength right now.  This is real, this is where my heart is, and this is what my world is made of every.single.day right now.  I pray God forgives me for having wavering faith and questioning him because a small part of me still needs to believe he is really there and that this is part of some grand plan.  I just cant figure out for the life of my what that plan is anymore.

Goals...

There are many things I am dreaming of accomplishing this year.  Things I have always thought about, bu never really done completely.  So...I am making myself accountible.  Please push my progress on these things...I will be grateful!
1. GO back to college.  I really would like to get my Masters Degree eventually in Business/Marketing.  Id like my Bachelor Degree too...but Im talking total goals folks.  Ha ha.
2.  Lose another 25 pounds.  I have lost a ton of weight this last year after getting off of prednisone.  I pray I never have to take it again, and even at my current weight...I would feel much healthier just a little but smaller.
3.  Grow hair long again.  Its getting there...choke me when I get to that moment when I start asking what style I should go with...thats when I usually go get it cut and then hate myself later.
4.  Finish my list of projects!!!  Roman shades, pillows, duvets, painting, upholstering, refinishing, etc etc.  I always have a creative pile to wade through.
5.  Be more forgiving this year!
6.  Spending really great moments with Brayden and Ron and my family.
7.  Start taking photos professionally.  I would LOVE to do a wedding, or some great shoot.  I have the equipment...now I just need the nerve!
8.  Find furniture pieces and repaint, refurb and revive...then sell them for a profit!  I would have a lot of fun doing that as a side thing.
9.  Read more. 
10.  Exercise everyday.  I need to do this for my heart.  Im getting better at it...but I need to eat and do things better for my heart, my child...my family.
11.  Go to church.  I like how it feeds my soul.  I need God to keep me grounded.
12.  Simplify my life.  Get rid of items, things that cause clutter and people that do the same in my life.
13.  Blog more often.  So many great things I have missed blogging about and have forgotten now what they were...that is why I have a blog in the first place!
14.  Start another job!  I want to love what I do though.  I need to love what I do and the people I surround myself with daily. 
15.  Start saving money for my car!  We call it the Volvo fund.  I purchased a used Volvo XC90 Suv.  I have a slight panic attack when I think something might break on it because I know the cost will make me cry.  I just need to start a small savings for it so I can lose that anxiety and enjoy my vehicle!!!

Crazy Idea...

We all know too well the crazy ideas that any given 4 year old child can have right?  Well...the other day Brayden was begging to go to the playground.  It was a busy day...lots of things going on, errands to run, laundry, cleaning, un-packing etc and after dinner he asked me again if we could go.  I realized it was getting dark and by the time I cleaned up dinner it would be well after 9pm before we could even think of leaving...so I thought for a moment.  Crazy idea...but why not take him?  Its not like he has school in the morning, and its a beautiful evening out.  So....despite getting the {stink-eye} look from my husband I said yes.  Brayden giggled and jumped up and down.  I finished cleaning up dinner and looked for the bug spray.  Yes...I can sometimes be crazy like this.  I think its important to not always tell Bray no, even if some of his ideas are ridiculous.  I want to teach him something other than structure all of the time and he will have plenty of years to learn that in school.  Why not act on impulse sometimes?  Why not go to the playground at night once in a blue moon?
The playground was actually well lit, and there were people at the lake fishing, walking, etc.  I felt safe...so we got out of the car.  He had the entire playrground to himself.  He was apprehensive at first, but once he realized this place was ALL his...oh the fun.this.child.had!  He kept giggling in a way that made me giggle.  He smiled from ear to ear.  It was a really cool moment if I do say so myself. I only realized this after I got over the looks I was getting from all of the adults at the park that is...ha ha!
On the ride home...after we stalked some fire trucks for a little bit...we headed home.  I asked him if he realized that this was a special once in awhile treat and that we could not do this all the time...he said he understood.  I followed that by telling him that I think I might just be the craziest mother in the entire planet for taking my 4 year old to the playground at 9pm at night! He also agreed with that statement!  Stinker!
I loved that we could create a fun memory that night.  That is something he will probably never forget for the rest of his life!  Was this totally insane?  Possibly.  Will he get to do it often? Probably not.  Will he ever forget it?  Doubt it.
Make special memories with your babies, time is too precious to give up on ALL crazy ideas...

Back to blogging...2011-2012

Well as you can see, I have missed my blog.  I have neglected my blog.  I am back.  This was such an integral part of my life for so long, and although I am one busy Momma, I have needed to be back at this for some time.  I could start by filling you in on our lives, and I will touch on it a little bit going forward...but I need to make sure I start re-capturing myself, my families moments, and our memories here.  I need to expand this now to include more of what I love from a hobby standpoint too.  I need this therapy back in my life.

2012 has been an interesting year.  I am glad it is here as 2011 a lot of life changes occurred that really made me jolt myself back to normal.  I started working a job that I loved...but it came with a ton of complications I had not anticipated and ultimately pushed me to have a heart attack in October.  The stress, the hours, the mounting issues...it had to go!  Needless to say, a short time after my heart attack I lost my job.  I now have no insurance to pay for any of the medications I need to stay alive, but I am grateful for every single second that I get to spend with my little man.  I needed that.  God wanted me to have that time apparently.  I am embracing it.  It is a struggle though sometimes.  Although I enjoy my time home right now, it doesn't come without new stresses...like how to get my medications to stay alive, pay all of the bills, not fall behind and still preserve some sanity and energy in order to accommodate my additional relationships in my life...sister, wife, daughter, aunt, etc.  I am frustrated more days than I can count and end most days feeling enormous guilt that I should be thanking my lucky stars to be alive and have this time with Brayden and my family...instead I worry constantly about these fears.  They are real, and they are important...but where do I find the balance?
I struggle with this every single day.  I struggle with knowing I did the right things, but the outcomes of last year and those decisions ultimately hurt several people, which was never something I would ever have set out to do...nor that I could have ever seen coming. 
I am proud of how I handled myself.  I am proud I did what was expected, and what was needed.  I am pissed that it came with a price tag I would not have wanted in many forms.  So I pray.
I pray to a God I am not sure is even there anymore sometimes.  I feel guilt saying that because I know something kept me alive the night of my heart attack.  I know there is a reason I am still here...and I struggle trying to find it.  I am a mother...yes...most important reason I know...but is that all?  I ponder.
Brayden is growing so quickly.  He will be starting school in the fall and I think daily about that.  I have had 4 years to spend all of this time with him, and I want to make sure Ive done well with that gift.  I wish I would have known that at 33 years old I would suffer a heart attack.  I wish I would have known that earlier...but I didnt. I might have made better use of those 4 years.  I wish for many more years of life going forward and wonder in fear if I will have "many" more years.  What is "many?"  Not enough when I look at Brayden and think about his wedding, his graduation, his babies and his age.  It scares me in a way that I cannot thoroughly process because I cannot allow my mind to wander to that place.  I see his fear.  I see it on my husbands face, and I can hear it in my Mom's voice.  So again....I pray.  Some days I am angry with God.  Some days I question everything, and I know I shouldnt.  Its hard not too. 
So many great things have happened in 2011 as well.  Ron has a good stable job that is enabling me to stay home right now.  Ron is doing good with his baseball coaching things, and Brayden is just as happy as can be.  He overflows with giggles, jokes, and smiles.  He is such a little rock for me.  I probably would have had a breakdown tenfold at this point if it were not for him.  My family is healthy, wonderful and I am so lucky.  We moved into a beautiful home that I adore.  It is warm and comfortable, and I see it as a place where we can enjoy lots of memories.  That stuff is good.

I am scattered with my thoughts though..  My heart is slightly scattered too these days.  My emotions are all over the place partly because of the anxiety I now deal with that multiplied since my heart attack.  Sleep doesn't come easily anymore, and over-exertion of any type leaves me drained and scared Ill have another heart attack.  It makes me gun shy to confront, argue, vent, cry or get upset.  Living life without the ability to do those things makes it tough.  We all need outlets.  I try to exercise.  It freaks me out after about 10 minutes because I swear I can feel my stent in my heart, and I seem to feel my heart palpitations more now than I ever did before. 
I am strong, I will persevere, but I am just wandering down windy paths right now not knowing where the road is going to lead me.  Some days all I want to do is stay in bed and snuggle Brayden.  He is the best thing I have ever done with my life.  He is a product of all that I am.  I need to forge ahead and show him what I am really made of.  What am I made of again?  Im getting there.  Im learning, Im adapting, Im trying and some days...well most days I am just hiding from everything.  Its easier, and I need easy right now for awhile.  Does that ever really happen?  Im hoping. 
I plan to share our lives once again and bring my blog back to life as I try to bring myself back to life too.  I need to find how to be grateful without worry.  How to be happy without fear. How to be me again without being the same me anymore. 
Please bear with me as I revamp our blog in the next few weeks, and find a way to articulate where this road is leading me...us.

In Heaven...

Just lately, Brayden has been asking questions like "Daddy, where is your Daddy and Mommy, where is your Daddy?"  Ron and I have both been telling him that our Daddy's passed away and that they are in heaven with Jesus, God, our guardian angels, and our other family in heaven.  He was usually quite content with that until a few weeks ago.  One morning brayden asked me again:  And our convo went like this:

Brayden: Mommy, where is your Daddy?

Me: Bray honey, my Daddy is in heaven!

Brayden: Where is Daddy's Daddy?

Me: He is in heaven with my Daddy!
Insert: Brayden putting his pouty and sad head down with the utmost look of hearbreak on his face as he starts to sob a little.

Me: Bray, whats the matter honey?  It's ok to be sad, but both of your Grandpas are watching over you ALL the time bubby!  Why are you so sad love?

Brayden:  "BECAUSE!!!!  I don't have a Daddy in heaven!" 

You should have seen my freaked out husbands face when I told him that story!!!

Ron thinks Brayden knows something he doesnt know, and statements like that make him paranoid.  He gets freaked out whenever he has a headache of some sort!  Me on the other hand thinks its adorable, and nothing more than a cute statement from that of a three year old.  Guess that's how we balance each other out so well huh?

Hope you are still giggling.  I am ;-)

An impromptu weekend...

This last weekend was probably the most fun, relaxing weekend I have had in a long time.  Brayden and I woke up Saturday morning with Daddy at work and we decided that even though it was a gloomy and semi-windy day we would head out to Timmy Ho's for our usual morning drinks...a large Double double for me, and a chocolate milk for Bray.  This of course after we spend a good 20 minutes in bed snuggling, giggling, tickling and gabbing about our plans...

As we were headed downtown, we happened to notice that the drum corp. international who had performed in the Lucy 100th Birthday parade the night before were holding a drum line practice downtown next to the ice rink.  So...we got our drinks, and parked ti listen and watch the drummers.  Soon we got out of the van and decided to sit on the benches nearby to watch and listen.  They were amazing.  Brayden danced and giggled listening to them play.  Soon an old neighbor Ive known since childhood came over to sit with us and we chatted about their performance and what a perfect day this was to watch them.  Within the next hour, a crowd started to form and the other band members started filing in to practice as a team.  We stayed for a few hours just relaxing, talking, laughing and enjoying a perfectly impromptu Saturday morning.  One of the drummers came over to talk to brayden and let him play on his drums!  Brayden was IN.HEAVEN!  All the young men filtered over slowly and were showing him drumming tricks and building him up!  They were so nice!  At the end before they headed back after their break...one guy came over and handed Brayden his drumsticks and told him to keep them!  They are all taped up and ratty from playing with, but how special that Brayden has ACTUAL drumsticks from the Texas drum corp. international marching band Genesis!  Too cool.

During all of this, we were on the phone on and off all morning with my niece Emily discussing the huge Lucy picture that was going to take place downtown at 2PM with everyone dressed as Lucy and Desi for the attempt to have the most Lucy's in one place at one time at City Hall for the Guinness Book of world Records!  She convinced us that this was important, and that she would have costumes ready for us with wigs if we could make it to their house in 5 minutes to get dressed....so off we went...and quickly!  I should mention is was 1:35PM...lol! 

We scurried over there and Emily and Molly got Brayden dolled up in a Lucy dress look-a-like costume and a red wig.  I quickly laid on the bright red lipstick we had to have and he quickly said to Emily, "Emily!  I don't have a necklace!"  After we all laughed in hysterics, Emily rushed around to find him the perfect white pearls to don!  We drove there and parked and were literally RUNNING to city hall to make it for the picture!  There were photographers from all over the world snapping pictures and doing news articles on this event in celebration of Lucille Ball's 100th Birthday celebration.  We.just.made.it!

It was such a great afternoon of laughing, pictures, history and fun.  Walking back to the car Brayden said to me, "Mommy, thank you, I am having so much fun today!, Thank you for the day off Mommy!".  It made me smile from ear to ear!  It also made me want to quit my job and stay home with him again, but that is not a possible thing for us to do right now! 

At the end of the day Emily and I chatted and were talking about how Brayden was such a great sport.  He didn't get stressed by our rushed commotion and was totally up for this crazy fun experience.  She said she loved how he held so still as she was bobby pinning the red wig to his head and getting him all dolled up!  He is so much fun!  My whole family is so much fun!  I am so so glad that I had this experience this weekend.  I realized very quickly that life isn't always about plans and execution of them.  It;s about appreciating that even when our plans change, we can find that in those moments we will have the best moments in our lives!

In Heaven...

Just lately, Brayden has been asking questions like "Daddy, where is your Daddy and Mommy, where is your Daddy?"  Ron and I have both been telling him that our Daddy's passed away and that they are in heaven with Jesus, God, our guardian angels, and our other family in heaven.  He was usually quite content with that until a few weeks ago.  One morning brayden asked me again:  And our convo went like this:

Brayden: Mommy, where is your Daddy?

Me: Bray honey, my Daddy is in heaven!

Brayden: Where is Daddy's Daddy?

Me: He is in heaven with my Daddy!
Insert: Brayden putting his pouty and sad head down with the utmost look of hearbreak on his face as he starts to sob a little.

Me: Bray, whats the matter honey?  It's ok to be sad, but both of your Grandpas are watching over you ALL the time bubby!  Why are you so sad love?

Brayden:  "BECAUSE!!!!  I don't have a Daddy in heaven!" 

You should have seen my freaked out husbands face when I told him that story!!!

Ron thinks Brayden knows something he doesnt know, and statements like that make him paranoid.  He gets freaked out whenever he has a headache of some sort!  Me on the other hand thinks its adorable, and nothing more than a cute statement from that of a three year old.  Guess that's how we balance each other out so well huh?

Hope you are still giggling.  I am ;-)

Summer 2010

This year has already been a very very busy year for us (can't you tell from my lack of blogging lately?).  I went back to work early in the beginning of the year, and Ron followed suit again shortly thereafter.  Brayden is now with a sitter for a few hours a day, and is really doing well with that.  He is having a lot of fun with his new friends, and the only thing he doesn't thoroughly enjoy is getting up early in the morning with Mommy to get ready to go.  He grumbles, re-snuggles into his pillows and acts like he does not even hear me!!!

Of course with all of that going on, Ron has just finished another season of the Babe Ruth prep league, regular season team and the all star teams.  His coaching was awesome this year, and he was even awarded for the 2011 Ray Angle Awward for Babe Ruth!  He was very proud, and it was VERY hard for me to keep it a secret for two weeks!  Me...keeping a secret!  I know~but I did it folks! Brayden of course had the time of his life again this season with his own little uniform to match the big kids, and he had tons of little kids to play with at each and every game we attended.  We even got to go out of town for All star championships this year and have a nice 4 days in a hotel room...it was baseball for the boys, and LUXURY for Momma!  I truly enjoyed having this time with both of my boys as the days seem to get shorter and shorter as of late.

I have not really been doing much of anything except working (which I LOVE my job), and trying to keep up with and support Rons endeavors with baseball this summer.  Of course, the usual has taken place....Bray and Mommy time, playtime, pool time, and not much else.  We have spent weeks eating out, avoiding cleaning and laundry, and just relaxing with each other at each special moment we can.  I am going to start blogging again more regularly, as I have had an interesting last year and need to reflect on it in some ways.  Hope you are all enjoying your nice hot summer as well!  Will be back shortly with some pics and stories.

Plex...

If you know my child, you know that he has a serious friendship with his Yo Gabba friends.  Tonight I went to see my nephew and have a dinner with his cub scouts at this school.  When I left, Brayden told me "I very miss you Mommy"...meaning he would miss me while I was gone {aweeee}.

When I got home, he was upstairs, he came down asking Daddy who was here.  Daddy said he didn't know...so I hid around the corner and popped out thinking he would be all excited to see me {you know, because he was going to miss me so much while I was gone}....and Brayden just plainly looked at me and said "Oh, I thought Plex was here".

Oooohhhh...well okay then!!!  Guess the Mommy novelty thing is running thin these days.

Doe re me...

Lastnight as we were getting ready for bed, Brayden came running into the bathroom with the extension from the vacuum using it like a microphone singing his little heart out!  He threw me for a loop when I heard him sing {and pretty on key} "Doe Re Me Fa So La Tee Doe"

I used to sing that to him about a year or more ago over and over again as he played the piano so he would start to recognize keys and notes.  He loved when I sang that to him, but never repeated it, and had not attempted it until lastnight.  I cannot believe he even remembered that!  I told Ron this was my baseball moment...that my child is singing, and loves it, and is actually good at it.  When I was pregnant I used to say that I was going to have a little boy that loved singing as much as I do, my little Josh Groban...haha!  I was so proud of my peanut lastnight, my heart swelled a little bit. 

Honestly...if he never enjoyed singing at all, I wouldnt mind, but since its been such a big part of my life, I kind of hoped he would love it, or at least be able to do it well.  I just thought it was really special, and very cool.  Mommy was impressed Bray!

O R E O

The other night Brayden and Daddy decided to have Oreo's together.  Daddy taught Brayden how to dunk his cookies in milk, and Brayden could'nt have loved it more!  He dunked and ate oreo's and dunked some more.  His face, fingers and shirt were covered with drippy crumbling oreo goodness.  It was certainly a Daddy and Brayden moment to remember.  I sat on the couch giggling at them both and snapping pictures of course.  I love moments that are simple and perfect like this.

My little flying monkey...

For the last few years, I have really been wanting to make Brayden a Flying Monkey costume from the Wizard of Oz.  I wasn't quite sure how I would pull it off exactly, but knew I wanted to try making this for him.  This year, this Momma was on a mission to get it done.  I searched everywhere for grayish/blue furry fabric so I could match the monkey exactly to the old movie.  I could not find it anywhere.  {sigh}

I finally settled on some white furry fabric and decided it would still look cute even so!  Next, I searched for really cool feathers so I could hand make the wings for the costume.  I bought 6 bags of feathers, ended up only needing two of them...so I'll just hope that I need them for something else soon!!!

I started making his costume on Saturday, October 30th...yes I am a huge procrastinator.  I cut, and sewed and cut {ran and bought another yard of fur}, and continued sewing for most of the day!  I finished Halloween Day at about 2pm...phew!

I will add that although Brayden DID end up liking his costume, that on Saturday he was trying on the suit before it was finished and got fur in his mouth.  He immediately started dry heaving, and yelling "get it off me, I don't like it anymore...fur is not my favorite snack!"  I'm not even kidding...this dramatic little child of mine ;-)

Thankfully by Sunday, he was ready and raring to go putting his costume on.  He was so excited, and looked like such a soft little monkey, I just wanted to pet him!  ha!

I added some fishing wire to his tail so it would wag as he walked, and the wings turned out so cute...even if they did require me sitting gluing each one on one by one for over 4 hours!!! Gotta love hot glue gun burns though right?  Well...they were totally worth it, he looked adorable.  I am so happy with how this whole costume turned out!  Most importantly...he had a blast trick or treating.  He kept telling people "thank you" and "Happy Halloween", and even knocked on one door screaming "Hello, Lakewood Fire Department!!!"  He's a hoot!

Happy Halloween 2010 Brayden...or....Flying Monkey I should say!



Diapers + Baby Showers=Diaper Cakes!!!

Last weekend I was invited to my cousin Alicia's baby shower for baby #2.  This was more of a diaper party actually because she knows she is having another boy, and really did not need anything other than just that...diapers.

So, I decided to make her a fun little diaper cake.  Really...these are so practical, fun and so cute!  It was a huge hit at the party, and she enjoyed it very much.  I {heart} baby showers.

Here is the diaper cake I made for her which included: 100 size 1 diapers, baby shampoo, lotion, body wash, wipes, 2 pacifiers, desitin, and baby powder.

Feelings

Brayden and I went to a play date today at my good friend Paula's house with Miss Rosalie and Benjamin, two of Brayden's best friends.  Benjamin and Rosalie are closer in age to eachother, and Brayden is almost a year older than both of them, so watching them all play is interesting.  Today, Benjamin pushed Rosalie down a few times, and Rosalie began to cry each time.  After one of Benjamin's time outs today Brayden says to Rosalie "Im sorry Benjamin hit you Rosalie, I make you happy now-I make Benjamin happy now too!"  I thought it was sweet that Brayden recognized the interaction between Rosalie and Benjamin, and that he was trying to play peace maker in the situation. 

On our way home Brayden was chatting with me about his day, which is typically what he does when we leave play dates.  Today, this was our conversation, and it was just so sweet!!!  It was just so like him to feel this way, and to express it as he did, it stole my heart.  God I love him....

Brayden: Mommy, Im sorry.

Me: Why are you sorry baby, you didnt do anything you need to be sorry for, why are you saying you are sorry?

Brayden: Well, my feelings are hurt.

Me: Why are your feelings hurt baby?

Brayden: um, uh, well....Benjamin hurt my feelings when he pushed Miss Rosalie, and and um...she cried, and it hurt my feelings....

Me: It hurt your feelings when Rosalie was sad?

Brayden: Yeah, Rosalie cried and it hurt my feelings....but I make her happy, and I make Benjamin happy too!

Me:  Awe....I think its very sweet that you felt bad for Miss Rosalie Bray, but Benjamin didnt mean to hurt her feelings, or your feelings...he is younger than you are baby.

Brayden: Benjamin tell Miss Rosalie Sorry....

Me: Yes, Benjamin did the right thing by saying he was sorry to her, that was very very nice of him, and Im glad that you tried really hard to make both of them happy afterwards too, that is a good big boy thing to do and Mommy is proud of you buddy!

Bray: I knowwww......thank you Mommy!

I drove silent for a moment taking all of that in.  My mind was piecing together the events of the day, and his reactions, and our conversation.  I thought....how sweet is it that he felt sadness observing Rosalie's hurt feelings, and also sadness for Benjamin becuase he knew Ben didnt want a time out, and that it hurt his feelings too.  I was proud that Bray felt compelled to make them both happy again, and that he recognized that was the right thing to do.  It was kind, it was genuine, and it was compassionate.  It's one of those moments you realize that all of your reminding, nagging, correcting, and talking to your child DOES make sense to them, and they are in fact taking it all in within their little worlds.  I'd like to think he will never lose that part of his personality, and that his first instinct will always be to attempt to make others feel better.  Maybe I am doing this right afterall....right now at least anyways ;-)

Tooth Fairy 101

Brayden has been infatuated with Yo Gabba Gabba lately.  He loves the new episode where Muno is talking about losing his teeth, and the entire process of your tooth falling out, the tooth fairy, etc.  I have seen the episode several times and have heard the story about the tooth fairy and so forth, its all good and fine.

Today on our way to a play date Brayden told me that his tooth was falling out.  {He is purely being facetious} but either way I responded with "No honey, your teeth are not going to fall out like Muno's for a few years, you still have some time love."  I then thought it was a perfect opportunity to dramatically tell him the story of the tooth fairy, and how when he loses his first tooth, we will place it under his pillow in a neat little container, and when he's fast asleep, a beautiful tooth fairy will fly into his bedroom, lift his pillow and take the tooth, but that she will probably leave him some money or something else really special in return for getting his tooth.  There was silence for a moment, and I knew he was just trying to process that information, thinking he would be all tickled and excited about this great story of the tooth fairy I had just told him.  Instead he replies very bluntly and without expected enthusiasm saying, "No Mommy, that's not true, just not true Mommy."

"Ugh, yes it is baby!"  He says, "No, no Mommy, that's NOT true!" 

I quickly changed the subject and started in on Santa Claus instead...praying all the while he would not dispute me on this one...which thankfully he didn't ;-)

What a stinker.

Brayden's Yo Gabba Gabba Birthday Bash-3 years old!!!

This year Momma went bonkers!!!  I really really wanted to throw Brayden a party he would never forget.  I asked him a few months ago what type of party he wanted, and he immediately said Yo Gabba Gabba.  Unfortunately...I could not find many of the things I wanted for his party at any stores....which meant making most of everything.  My Mom and Aunt JoAnn, and good friend Bonnie helped me with tissue papering, as one Gabba character took almost a whole day to complete.  Here are some of the fun pictures from his party!!!  He had such a great time, enjoyed the 60 some people that attended, and even got up to the microphone and sang Happy Birthday while telling everyone "thank you everyone for coming to my party-have to go eat cake now".

{When Brayden first arrived at the fire hall before anyone else}...he was quite shocked and excited!!!

The Yo Gabba characters I made {thankfully with help}

Party hats and horns!!!

Tables with puffs I made in Gabba colors...

Foofa wands I made in all different colors for the kiddos.

Marshmallow & frosting sticks...

Animal cracker scones

The crayon aprons my mom made for each child at the party...

Ron took the children on a tour of the fire trucks and each one got to sit inside and have their picture taken by their parents.  Lights on and all!

Brobee cake!!!  I made it and after it was mixed realized I added 1/2 cup of oil where I should have used 1/3 cup...it was a moist cake I must say, but very yummy!!!

Gift time!!!

Mommy and Brayden the next day at Applebees for his actual birthday.  They sang Happy Birthday to him and gave him his very own "special surprise" as he called it...ice cream sundae!!! 

Hope you had the best birthday ever bubby...we love you!!!

GPS...

Last weekend Ron was in his best friends wedding.  It was beautiful and special.  I will post more on that later...but that meant that we had to drive to Erie to pick up his tuxedo.  At the tux place they had a ping pong table, and Brayden had so much fun playing it the few times we were there in the last few weeks before the wedding. 

Today we drove back to Erie to pick up Grandma from the airport.  As soon as we headed down the main strip to the mall Brayden asked us if we were going to the "Ping Pong place".  Ron and I giggled that he knew and recognized where we were.

As we passed the "ping pong place" headed toward the airport, our GPS started telling us which way to go.  From the backseat Braydens says "what?"  to the female voice on the GPS.  Ha ha I know.  I started to explain to him that its just a voice on a machine that tells Mommy and Daddy which way to go in the car so we don't get lost.  I didn't get an immediate response, and I figured I wouldn't because that's alot to understand for a two year old right?  Brayden then says.."Um...well....Ma'am...where is the ping pong place?"...."Ping pong place where are you?". 

We were doubled over in hysterics at that point.  What a funny little guy.

Be still my heart

Today after Brayden and I hit the local Wegmans picking up some things for dinner...we arrived home and I {not wanting to make more than one trip inside with groceries}....grabbed all of the bags and carried them to the side door to set them down and get Brayden out of the van. 

Brayden asked me why I dropped the bags, and I chuckled and told him they were heavy!!!  He quickly bent over and grabbed a bag with all his little might and said "I help you Mommy-it's heavy!"  I opened the side door and he waddled up the stairs and all the way into the kitchen carrying it for me.  He worked so hard, and was so proud of himself for being a big helper!!! 

I thought for sure he would get inside the door and set it down before making it all the way, but he did'nt, he struggled and worked so hard!!!

 I was so proud of him for being such a great little guy!!! 

 Moments like these remind me we are doing something right....

♥ Be still my heart ♥

Mother's Day...

Since this is really the first official year that Brayden can speak well enough to actually tell me Happy Mother's Day...this day proved to be a very special one.

After some prompting from Daddy....Brayden ran up to me with a huge and beautiful smile and told me very gently "Happy Mother a Day Mommy!"

As soon as I smiled and cheered because he was so sweet...he got even more happy and gave me a huge hug and a kiss.

What more does a Momma need on Mothers Day?

I did it!

I did something I have feared doing for a long time. 

I got back on a stage, under the spotlights, and in front of an audience, and sang my heart out.

I sang "I love Paris in the Springtime".

I felt nervous at first, but it melted away the second I took one step back on the stage.

It was the old Shannon I remembered being growing up performing on a stage.

It was the old voice I remember hearing growing up performing on stage.

It's amazing when you think you've lost something you once loved so much...

It was the most amazing feeling Ive had in a really long time.

I was not lost...the old me is still very much there...and I cannot wait to do it again.

The song even sounded better on stage than it had during my rehearsals...

It's like I came alive on stage again ;-)

I felt strong, I felt confident, and afterwards...proud of myself...

Sometimes doing things you fear is worth it.  I showed myself that I could do it again. 

I did it!

{hopefully I will have some video to post soon}