Friday, April 13, 2012

Truth is...

I am so glad I am back to blogging.  Not nearly as much as I used to be of course, but I am back for the most part.  Lately life has been interesting.  I think God has a plan for me that I am just entirely unaware of anymore.  Every direction I seem to turn another door closes and right when I think Im on track I am quickly reminded I am not.  I am starting to question everything.
So please forgive me if that sounds Debbie Downer of me, but its honest.  I know God wants me to slow down, or someone wants me to slow down...I got that message loud and clear the night of my heart attack.  Spend time with Brayden...check, spend time with family....check check.  What next?  I guess those are the most important things right?  Then why do I have this enormous hole in my soul nagging me that I need more?  I don't know either.
Brayden is such a great little boy.  I am amazed daily by his thoughts, his expressions, and his ability to have radar on my heart and soul more so than I even do these days.  He knows when I don't feel good, when Im crabby, happy, sad, and confused faster than I do most days.  That makes me sad.  Sad that he can see what a mess I am before I even notice it.  He shouldnt know that at 4.  He shouldnt know that "mommy had a heart attack" or that "mommy doesnt feel good".  He does though, because we are honest with him.  He isnt stupid so it wouldnt behoove us to lie. I wish those words never had to enter his vocabulary.  I wish things were different, but they are what they are I know.  I just havent figured out how to be me anymore with all of those variables. 
Im sure I am sad, and probably more down than I should be right now.  I also know this is part of a heart attack (surgery) patient recovery.  It still sucks though.  I feel like I can talk until I am blue in the face and nobody who hasnt experienced it knows what Im talking about, or really how vulnerable I feel about it.  I am fearful that with every excursion, I am going to die.  I fear that I will have another heart attack and pray that it just isnt some night where Ron has to work in the morning and Brayden will have to figure it out alone in the morning.  I am afraid that I wont see him graduate, get married, or ever hold my grandchildren.  I fear a lot of things, but those are at the top of my list.  I am 34.  Those fears should be nowhere in my mind right now.  I get angry.  I question why it had to happen, and why me.  I question God and why I feel like he is nowhere near me anymore.  I feel different.  I cannot explain it.  Those are just honest words.  Crazy to some Im sure, but not to me.  Those thoughts are in my mind 
I love days where I am so happy and preoccupied that I forget those fears.  I dread those happy days too though because I seem to only forget those fears for a moment and then my stomach sinks when I remember.  Then add looking at your happy life in that moment and wondering if that will be your last happy moment with your family or your child.  Hell...I could live another 50 years, or I could die tomorrow...nobody knows that.  I just feel like now a huge stack of odds are against me more so than ever and everyday seems like a struggle to get through.  It just isnt fun right now. 
I need a therapist Im sure.  I have no medical insurance though.  I cant get any help either because my husband makes too much money, so I am that person that fell through the cracks.....waiting to live and praying I don't die.  It brings a whole other dynamic to the day.  I told Ron after my heart attack that it is every parents worst fear in the world to have something happen to one of their children.  It is every parents second worst fear to have something happen to themselves leaving their children in the lurch.  It became painfully obvious to me the morning Brayden came to see me in the hospital with that look on his face.  I downplayed it.  Then I cried.  I still dont know for sure if it was wise to be so open with him about all of it, but it felt right at the time. I am worried.  I probably wouldnt be as worried if I had the many prescriptions I needed right now to maintain my heart functioning well.  I cant afford them though.  My meds cost more than $2000.00 dollars per month...yes per month...and many I am told I cannot live without.  So now what?  Scream? Cry? Pray?  I don't know.  So...I grip every moment I can.  I tell Brayden I love him 100 times a day and kiss him so much he pushes me away ;-)  I talk to my Mom on the phone every single day and everyone in my family knows I love them.  I cry out in frustration about this and other things to my family and I pray for a miracle.  Im going to need one.  I buy meds 10 or 20 pills at a time and mostly just get the ones that I really need...when I know I really need them all. Should Ron and I divorce on our 10 year anniversary this year so I can get my prescriptions?
Im not joking...the thought has seriously crossed my mind.  I just don't know anymore what to do. 
My mom keeps telling me to write Obama, our senator, anyone and everyone who will listen.  I honestly wonder if any of those folks would do anything at all.  I then realize I am just far too tired for all of that.  I sit, cry, feel overwhelmed and am action less in my endeavors.  Seems silly that someone who is so scared of dying cannot make steps to stay alive right?  I keep hitting brick walls and the only ones that care are the closest people to me that know really the hell I am going through right now.  To survive and be able to get out of bed everyday, I  should take:

Baby aspirin

Its alot isnt it?  Imagine knowing you need all of those things to stay alive and not having them.  My faith is shaking. My faith in this world is broken.  I am an honest hard working person who needs help from somewhere and cant get it anywhere.  I will not do well or survive without these medications.  THAT is why I fear every single day.  I smile, make jokes, laugh and giggle as much as I can.  I wonder at the end of the day when the whole world is sleeping why I am still awake...worrying.  I know that isnt good either for my health...but Im kind of scared to go to sleep.  My heart attack woke me up that night....will it next time? 
Sorry if this is raw.  Its not my intention to get "poor Shannon" from this.  I just need everyone that knows me to know where I am right now...where I really am.  I have a really hard time letting people into my real world at times, and I really need some strength right now.  This is real, this is where my heart is, and this is what my world is made of right now.  I pray God forgives me for having wavering faith and questioning him because a small part of me still needs to believe he is really there and that this is part of some grand plan.  I just cant figure out for the life of my what that plan is anymore.

Sunday, March 25, 2012


There are many things I am dreaming of accomplishing this year.  Things I have always thought about, bu never really done completely.  So...I am making myself accountible.  Please push my progress on these things...I will be grateful!
1. GO back to college.  I really would like to get my Masters Degree eventually in Business/Marketing.  Id like my Bachelor Degree too...but Im talking total goals folks.  Ha ha.
2.  Lose another 25 pounds.  I have lost a ton of weight this last year after getting off of prednisone.  I pray I never have to take it again, and even at my current weight...I would feel much healthier just a little but smaller.
3.  Grow hair long again.  Its getting there...choke me when I get to that moment when I start asking what style I should go with...thats when I usually go get it cut and then hate myself later.
4.  Finish my list of projects!!!  Roman shades, pillows, duvets, painting, upholstering, refinishing, etc etc.  I always have a creative pile to wade through.
5.  Be more forgiving this year!
6.  Spending really great moments with Brayden and Ron and my family.
7.  Start taking photos professionally.  I would LOVE to do a wedding, or some great shoot.  I have the I just need the nerve!
8.  Find furniture pieces and repaint, refurb and revive...then sell them for a profit!  I would have a lot of fun doing that as a side thing.
9.  Read more. 
10.  Exercise everyday.  I need to do this for my heart.  Im getting better at it...but I need to eat and do things better for my heart, my family.
11.  Go to church.  I like how it feeds my soul.  I need God to keep me grounded.
12.  Simplify my life.  Get rid of items, things that cause clutter and people that do the same in my life.
13.  Blog more often.  So many great things I have missed blogging about and have forgotten now what they were...that is why I have a blog in the first place!
14.  Start another job!  I want to love what I do though.  I need to love what I do and the people I surround myself with daily. 
15.  Start saving money for my car!  We call it the Volvo fund.  I purchased a used Volvo XC90 Suv.  I have a slight panic attack when I think something might break on it because I know the cost will make me cry.  I just need to start a small savings for it so I can lose that anxiety and enjoy my vehicle!!!

Crazy Idea...

We all know too well the crazy ideas that any given 4 year old child can have right?  Well...the other day Brayden was begging to go to the playground.  It was a busy day...lots of things going on, errands to run, laundry, cleaning, un-packing etc and after dinner he asked me again if we could go.  I realized it was getting dark and by the time I cleaned up dinner it would be well after 9pm before we could even think of I thought for a moment.  Crazy idea...but why not take him?  Its not like he has school in the morning, and its a beautiful evening out.  So....despite getting the {stink-eye} look from my husband I said yes.  Brayden giggled and jumped up and down.  I finished cleaning up dinner and looked for the bug spray.  Yes...I can sometimes be crazy like this.  I think its important to not always tell Bray no, even if some of his ideas are ridiculous.  I want to teach him something other than structure all of the time and he will have plenty of years to learn that in school.  Why not act on impulse sometimes?  Why not go to the playground at night once in a blue moon?
The playground was actually well lit, and there were people at the lake fishing, walking, etc.  I felt we got out of the car.  He had the entire playrground to himself.  He was apprehensive at first, but once he realized this place was ALL his...oh the fun.this.child.had!  He kept giggling in a way that made me giggle.  He smiled from ear to ear.  It was a really cool moment if I do say so myself. I only realized this after I got over the looks I was getting from all of the adults at the park that is...ha ha!
On the ride home...after we stalked some fire trucks for a little bit...we headed home.  I asked him if he realized that this was a special once in awhile treat and that we could not do this all the time...he said he understood.  I followed that by telling him that I think I might just be the craziest mother in the entire planet for taking my 4 year old to the playground at 9pm at night! He also agreed with that statement!  Stinker!
I loved that we could create a fun memory that night.  That is something he will probably never forget for the rest of his life!  Was this totally insane?  Possibly.  Will he get to do it often? Probably not.  Will he ever forget it?  Doubt it.
Make special memories with your babies, time is too precious to give up on ALL crazy ideas...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Back to blogging...2011-2012

Well as you can see, I have missed my blog.  I have neglected my blog.  I am back.  This was such an integral part of my life for so long, and although I am one busy Momma, I have needed to be back at this for some time.  I could start by filling you in on our lives, and I will touch on it a little bit going forward...but I need to make sure I start re-capturing myself, my families moments, and our memories here.  I need to expand this now to include more of what I love from a hobby standpoint too.  I need this therapy back in my life.

2012 has been an interesting year.  I am glad it is here as 2011 a lot of life changes occurred that really made me jolt myself back to normal.  I started working a job that I loved...but it came with a ton of complications I had not anticipated and ultimately pushed me to have a heart attack in October.  The stress, the hours, the mounting had to go!  Needless to say, a short time after my heart attack I lost my job.  I now have no insurance to pay for any of the medications I need to stay alive, but I am grateful for every single second that I get to spend with my little man.  I needed that.  God wanted me to have that time apparently.  I am embracing it.  It is a struggle though sometimes.  Although I enjoy my time home right now, it doesn't come without new how to get my medications to stay alive, pay all of the bills, not fall behind and still preserve some sanity and energy in order to accommodate my additional relationships in my life...sister, wife, daughter, aunt, etc.  I am frustrated more days than I can count and end most days feeling enormous guilt that I should be thanking my lucky stars to be alive and have this time with Brayden and my family...instead I worry constantly about these fears.  They are real, and they are important...but where do I find the balance?
I struggle with this every single day.  I struggle with knowing I did the right things, but the outcomes of last year and those decisions ultimately hurt several people, which was never something I would ever have set out to do...nor that I could have ever seen coming. 
I am proud of how I handled myself.  I am proud I did what was expected, and what was needed.  I am pissed that it came with a price tag I would not have wanted in many forms.  So I pray.
I pray to a God I am not sure is even there anymore sometimes.  I feel guilt saying that because I know something kept me alive the night of my heart attack.  I know there is a reason I am still here...and I struggle trying to find it.  I am a mother...yes...most important reason I know...but is that all?  I ponder.
Brayden is growing so quickly.  He will be starting school in the fall and I think daily about that.  I have had 4 years to spend all of this time with him, and I want to make sure Ive done well with that gift.  I wish I would have known that at 33 years old I would suffer a heart attack.  I wish I would have known that earlier...but I didnt. I might have made better use of those 4 years.  I wish for many more years of life going forward and wonder in fear if I will have "many" more years.  What is "many?"  Not enough when I look at Brayden and think about his wedding, his graduation, his babies and his age.  It scares me in a way that I cannot thoroughly process because I cannot allow my mind to wander to that place.  I see his fear.  I see it on my husbands face, and I can hear it in my Mom's voice.  So again....I pray.  Some days I am angry with God.  Some days I question everything, and I know I shouldnt.  Its hard not too. 
So many great things have happened in 2011 as well.  Ron has a good stable job that is enabling me to stay home right now.  Ron is doing good with his baseball coaching things, and Brayden is just as happy as can be.  He overflows with giggles, jokes, and smiles.  He is such a little rock for me.  I probably would have had a breakdown tenfold at this point if it were not for him.  My family is healthy, wonderful and I am so lucky.  We moved into a beautiful home that I adore.  It is warm and comfortable, and I see it as a place where we can enjoy lots of memories.  That stuff is good.

I am scattered with my thoughts though..  My heart is slightly scattered too these days.  My emotions are all over the place partly because of the anxiety I now deal with that multiplied since my heart attack.  Sleep doesn't come easily anymore, and over-exertion of any type leaves me drained and scared Ill have another heart attack.  It makes me gun shy to confront, argue, vent, cry or get upset.  Living life without the ability to do those things makes it tough.  We all need outlets.  I try to exercise.  It freaks me out after about 10 minutes because I swear I can feel my stent in my heart, and I seem to feel my heart palpitations more now than I ever did before. 
I am strong, I will persevere, but I am just wandering down windy paths right now not knowing where the road is going to lead me.  Some days all I want to do is stay in bed and snuggle Brayden.  He is the best thing I have ever done with my life.  He is a product of all that I am.  I need to forge ahead and show him what I am really made of.  What am I made of again?  Im getting there.  Im learning, Im adapting, Im trying and some days...well most days I am just hiding from everything.  Its easier, and I need easy right now for awhile.  Does that ever really happen?  Im hoping. 
I plan to share our lives once again and bring my blog back to life as I try to bring myself back to life too.  I need to find how to be grateful without worry.  How to be happy without fear. How to be me again without being the same me anymore. 
Please bear with me as I revamp our blog in the next few weeks, and find a way to articulate where this road is leading