Well as you can see, I have missed my blog. I have neglected my blog. I am back. This was such an integral part of my life for so long, and although I am one busy Momma, I have needed to be back at this for some time. I could start by filling you in on our lives, and I will touch on it a little bit going forward...but I need to make sure I start re-capturing myself, my families moments, and our memories here. I need to expand this now to include more of what I love from a hobby standpoint too. I need this therapy back in my life.
2012 has been an interesting year. I am glad it is here as 2011 a lot of life changes occurred that really made me jolt myself back to normal. I started working a job that I loved...but it came with a ton of complications I had not anticipated and ultimately pushed me to have a heart attack in October. The stress, the hours, the mounting issues...it had to go! Needless to say, a short time after my heart attack I lost my job. I now have no insurance to pay for any of the medications I need to stay alive, but I am grateful for every single second that I get to spend with my little man. I needed that. God wanted me to have that time apparently. I am embracing it. It is a struggle though sometimes. Although I enjoy my time home right now, it doesn't come without new stresses...like how to get my medications to stay alive, pay all of the bills, not fall behind and still preserve some sanity and energy in order to accommodate my additional relationships in my life...sister, wife, daughter, aunt, etc. I am frustrated more days than I can count and end most days feeling enormous guilt that I should be thanking my lucky stars to be alive and have this time with Brayden and my family...instead I worry constantly about these fears. They are real, and they are important...but where do I find the balance?
I struggle with this every single day. I struggle with knowing I did the right things, but the outcomes of last year and those decisions ultimately hurt several people, which was never something I would ever have set out to do...nor that I could have ever seen coming.
I am proud of how I handled myself. I am proud I did what was expected, and what was needed. I am pissed that it came with a price tag I would not have wanted in many forms. So I pray.
I pray to a God I am not sure is even there anymore sometimes. I feel guilt saying that because I know something kept me alive the night of my heart attack. I know there is a reason I am still here...and I struggle trying to find it. I am a mother...yes...most important reason I know...but is that all? I ponder.
Brayden is growing so quickly. He will be starting school in the fall and I think daily about that. I have had 4 years to spend all of this time with him, and I want to make sure Ive done well with that gift. I wish I would have known that at 33 years old I would suffer a heart attack. I wish I would have known that earlier...but I didnt. I might have made better use of those 4 years. I wish for many more years of life going forward and wonder in fear if I will have "many" more years. What is "many?" Not enough when I look at Brayden and think about his wedding, his graduation, his babies and his age. It scares me in a way that I cannot thoroughly process because I cannot allow my mind to wander to that place. I see his fear. I see it on my husbands face, and I can hear it in my Mom's voice. So again....I pray. Some days I am angry with God. Some days I question everything, and I know I shouldnt. Its hard not too.
So many great things have happened in 2011 as well. Ron has a good stable job that is enabling me to stay home right now. Ron is doing good with his baseball coaching things, and Brayden is just as happy as can be. He overflows with giggles, jokes, and smiles. He is such a little rock for me. I probably would have had a breakdown tenfold at this point if it were not for him. My family is healthy, wonderful and I am so lucky. We moved into a beautiful home that I adore. It is warm and comfortable, and I see it as a place where we can enjoy lots of memories. That stuff is good.
I am scattered with my thoughts though.. My heart is slightly scattered too these days. My emotions are all over the place partly because of the anxiety I now deal with that multiplied since my heart attack. Sleep doesn't come easily anymore, and over-exertion of any type leaves me drained and scared Ill have another heart attack. It makes me gun shy to confront, argue, vent, cry or get upset. Living life without the ability to do those things makes it tough. We all need outlets. I try to exercise. It freaks me out after about 10 minutes because I swear I can feel my stent in my heart, and I seem to feel my heart palpitations more now than I ever did before.
I am strong, I will persevere, but I am just wandering down windy paths right now not knowing where the road is going to lead me. Some days all I want to do is stay in bed and snuggle Brayden. He is the best thing I have ever done with my life. He is a product of all that I am. I need to forge ahead and show him what I am really made of. What am I made of again? Im getting there. Im learning, Im adapting, Im trying and some days...well most days I am just hiding from everything. Its easier, and I need easy right now for awhile. Does that ever really happen? Im hoping.
I plan to share our lives once again and bring my blog back to life as I try to bring myself back to life too. I need to find how to be grateful without worry. How to be happy without fear. How to be me again without being the same me anymore.
Please bear with me as I revamp our blog in the next few weeks, and find a way to articulate where this road is leading me...us.