Don't you just love my title? I can explain....really. In 6th grade I played Alice in the musical Alice in Wonderland. There was a song I had to sing and some of the words in the chorus were "who am I, where am I going and why". Ha! Ironically I still find myself singing or humming this tune when I am in a little melancholy funk.
I am currently in one of those.
We have moved back to New York. We are wondering what our next step will be. Where should we live? We really do not want to stay in NY, Florida was not what it once was for us, and with a baby and no family there...yikes what did we just do? Live and learn I guess. It's not like we have never made a big move before but this one started out as a disaster, and it never seemed to let up! First the move without our things. Then the house encountered a red ant infestation-INSIDE!!! Yes...red ants coming out of the light sockets, in our beds, on the floor-everywhere!!! Soon the central air started leaking behind the wall and when we finally discovered it- the mold/mildew had crept into our closet, inside the walls and under the floors already...another little nightmare. Right about then the health insurance started coming out at a hefty tune of over $500.00 per month for all of us-and OUCH did that hurt. Things started to feel insane. We talked long and hard and long and sad and decided this was just not working.
So...we are in regroup mode I guess. I don't know what else to call it. Fresh start mode perhaps. Something. We are seriously at square one, and in this economy right now...that scares the crap out of me. I gave up a great job, our home, our stability. So did Ron. I am looking for all of the positives I can right now so I don't totally have a meltdown. I am trying to stay focused and not feel overwhelmed. I am enjoying time with my family and friends here once again. I am loving the weather and the beautiful summer. I am not questioning my faith because I know everything happens for a reason and I trust that. I am trying really hard not to feel like I have failed myself, my son or my family. I am trying to embrace this total life makeover.
I feel like that little 6th grader up on stage singing that song right now. I feel fragile and apprehensive, but a sense of calm as well.
I can't explain it.
I know that I am blessed. I have so much to be grateful for. Our family and friends have been so supportive and understanding, and that means so much to us right now. Plus-Ron and I get to play with Brayden for the summer while we regroup, re-prioritize our plans, and dream of all of the new and exciting things that await us going forward.
I am happiest in those thoughts right now.
We are praying that God will show us where it is we need to be, and help us on our path to wherever it is, that is.