Monday, April 19, 2010

A heavy heart

Do you ever have the feeling that your heart is heavy and you can't pinpoint exactly why?  I suppose that is where I am at right now.  This last year was hard on us.  Emotionally, physically, and in a way that makes you happy and sad all in the same breath.  This is not to say "whoa is me" or anything, I know many others go through struggles too, this post is not about that.  It's just a way to try to communicate to myself in writing, and to document growth and experiences in our family-be them happy or sad...and yes....we all have both moments in our lives.  The really great ones we want to embrace and hold onto, and the ones that make you want to learn, grow and yes...sometimes grieve.

I have had some strange experiences in the last month or so.  It has really grabbed me in an emotional way that makes my heart heavy.  I am not depressed or anything, just feeling emotions I did not allow myself to feel for awhile...God only knows why. 

Some of the really important and fundamental foundational relationships of my life are in dissaray right now.  Relationships with those thiat were once my rock, once my breath of fresh air, my place of safety and comfort, and that were once a very big part of who I was when I was in their presence.  Relationships that have been there so very long that they define a huge part of who you are, and how you feel on a daily basis.  Those kind of realtionships.

Not just one person....many actually, all at the same time.  So quickly things changed with all of them that I spent a week almost daily in tears.  I spent many many moments reflecting and replaying events, and thinking, and crying some more.  There are so many things I don't understand.  The worst part is wondering if it's actually that I don't get myself, not that I don't get them.  The scariest part is wondering if I have this vision of myself that really isnt so.  The hardest part has been finding who I am without them around, or without having them in my day to day life.  The loneliest part is feeling like what you thought was there at one point maybe was never actually there at all...if you are just one of these people that sees things through rose colored glasses until you are hit with this epiphony that all was not what you thought it was at all.  Argh!

I know probably a lot of that doesnt make much sense.  It doesnt to me either, so don't feel bad!

Although Ron and Brayden are my whole {and wonderful} world....not having those other important connections in my life are hard.  It has been a month full of reflection and introspection.  I hate these moments in my life quite honestly.  I hate dissention.  I hate hurt feelings, and I hate feeling angry and sad at the same time, both so equally that it hurts my heart.  I hate that I have regrets of things I should have said years ago.  I have regrets of not standing up for myself earlier and making it clear to others that even though I need their help and support at times, that I deserve respect too!  I am a human being with feelings too!  I am no saint, but can say I have always been careful about others feelings and not to hurt anyone in a way that would shake them emotionally.  I think that is the worst kind of pain you can impose on another human being and it's wrong.  I've been shaken.  I am mad at myself for it....because I am stronger than that...this....whatever it is.

This is the time in my life I dreamed about once.  I dreamed I would have lots of family around my child-who would want to be around him, be around me, watch and encourage my child, play with him-me-us...and to be quite must have been those damn rose colored glasses.  Instead-those things don't really happen.  At least they don't here.  Maybe that's why I embrace every little moment I can.  Maybe that's why I relish and really love those times when I know it's going to be awhile until I again have that wonderful opportunity.  I dreamed that I would hold onto those that knew me best for if anything were ever to happen to me someday with all of my health issues that these fundamental people would be there to tell my son stories about who I was, what I believed in, what I wanted most for him, and that he would be close enough to them to feel the same safety I once felt from them. Those things feel gone now.  That feels scary, and that makes me angry.  The people that you would expect to understand you the most instead mock you for being exactly who you are, and for the circumstances you face.  I feel foolish, like they thought or think I am some joke or something.  I know I am not, but it does not make it any easier.

 I am scared that someday something will happen to me.  I am scared that Brayden will be lost, will have questions, will have feelings that are going to be too strong for him to navigate on his own.  I am scared Ron will shut down and not be much of immediate support for Brayden.  I am scared of a lot of those things.  I am scared that everyone who knew me up until now that I kept close to my heart is no longer close to where does that leave Brayden?  I know you probably think it's silly for me to worry about these things, but what kind of mother doesnt?  Especially one with lots of health issues and no resolve for those in the near future?  Those thoughts haunt me the most when events like these occur in my life.  Maybe that is why my heart feels heavy, yet heavy in a way that makes me more grateful than the average person because I know I have to be, want to be, and need to be for that he can learn happiness from me, love from me, safety from me before I can't be here to teach him those things on my own.  I need to show him enough love and stength that should he need those tools someday he can emulate-navigate his way through those fears with the tools he once saw me embrace. 

I am seeing things pretty clearly now, and although I don't love what I see all the time it doesnt mean that I cannot make my little safe bubble pleasant.  I am trying to do that right now.  I am enjoying Brayden and Ron and the dogs, and hoping that things smooth out soon, but my expectations are not as high as they once were anymore.  Things are a bit more simplified by all of this dissaray that I dislike so much. 

This too shall pass right?

1 comment:

Mommy Mac said...

These times are hard.

I think everyone struggles through these feelins of disarray just on different spectrums and wavelengths.

Some are hit harder than others and some live in a bubble where it feels really safe but really, they live with blinders on.

Hang in there.

Find your pace and keep your rhythm with diginity and self respect...the reset may come but you need to always be grounded in the reality of your circumstances.

And know, you are not alone.

.mac :)