Friday, April 13, 2012

Truth is...

I am so glad I am back to blogging.  Not nearly as much as I used to be of course, but I am back for the most part.  Lately life has been interesting.  I think God has a plan for me that I am just entirely unaware of anymore.  Every direction I seem to turn another door closes and right when I think Im on track I am quickly reminded I am not.  I am starting to question everything.
So please forgive me if that sounds Debbie Downer of me, but its honest.  I know God wants me to slow down, or someone wants me to slow down...I got that message loud and clear the night of my heart attack.  Spend time with Brayden...check, spend time with family....check check.  What next?  I guess those are the most important things right?  Then why do I have this enormous hole in my soul nagging me that I need more?  I don't know either.
Brayden is such a great little boy.  I am amazed daily by his thoughts, his expressions, and his ability to have radar on my heart and soul more so than I even do these days.  He knows when I don't feel good, when Im crabby, happy, sad, and confused faster than I do most days.  That makes me sad.  Sad that he can see what a mess I am before I even notice it.  He shouldnt know that at 4.  He shouldnt know that "mommy had a heart attack" or that "mommy doesnt feel good".  He does though, because we are honest with him.  He isnt stupid so it wouldnt behoove us to lie. I wish those words never had to enter his vocabulary.  I wish things were different, but they are what they are I know.  I just havent figured out how to be me anymore with all of those variables. 
Im sure I am sad, and probably more down than I should be right now.  I also know this is part of a heart attack (surgery) patient recovery.  It still sucks though.  I feel like I can talk until I am blue in the face and nobody who hasnt experienced it knows what Im talking about, or really how vulnerable I feel about it.  I am fearful that with every excursion, I am going to die.  I fear that I will have another heart attack and pray that it just isnt some night where Ron has to work in the morning and Brayden will have to figure it out alone in the morning.  I am afraid that I wont see him graduate, get married, or ever hold my grandchildren.  I fear a lot of things, but those are at the top of my list.  I am 34.  Those fears should be nowhere in my mind right now.  I get angry.  I question why it had to happen, and why me.  I question God and why I feel like he is nowhere near me anymore.  I feel different.  I cannot explain it.  Those are just honest words.  Crazy to some Im sure, but not to me.  Those thoughts are in my mind 
I love days where I am so happy and preoccupied that I forget those fears.  I dread those happy days too though because I seem to only forget those fears for a moment and then my stomach sinks when I remember.  Then add looking at your happy life in that moment and wondering if that will be your last happy moment with your family or your child.  Hell...I could live another 50 years, or I could die tomorrow...nobody knows that.  I just feel like now a huge stack of odds are against me more so than ever and everyday seems like a struggle to get through.  It just isnt fun right now. 
I need a therapist Im sure.  I have no medical insurance though.  I cant get any help either because my husband makes too much money, so I am that person that fell through the cracks.....waiting to live and praying I don't die.  It brings a whole other dynamic to the day.  I told Ron after my heart attack that it is every parents worst fear in the world to have something happen to one of their children.  It is every parents second worst fear to have something happen to themselves leaving their children in the lurch.  It became painfully obvious to me the morning Brayden came to see me in the hospital with that look on his face.  I downplayed it.  Then I cried.  I still dont know for sure if it was wise to be so open with him about all of it, but it felt right at the time. I am worried.  I probably wouldnt be as worried if I had the many prescriptions I needed right now to maintain my heart functioning well.  I cant afford them though.  My meds cost more than $2000.00 dollars per month...yes per month...and many I am told I cannot live without.  So now what?  Scream? Cry? Pray?  I don't know.  So...I grip every moment I can.  I tell Brayden I love him 100 times a day and kiss him so much he pushes me away ;-)  I talk to my Mom on the phone every single day and everyone in my family knows I love them.  I cry out in frustration about this and other things to my family and I pray for a miracle.  Im going to need one.  I buy meds 10 or 20 pills at a time and mostly just get the ones that I really need...when I know I really need them all. Should Ron and I divorce on our 10 year anniversary this year so I can get my prescriptions?
Im not joking...the thought has seriously crossed my mind.  I just don't know anymore what to do. 
My mom keeps telling me to write Obama, our senator, anyone and everyone who will listen.  I honestly wonder if any of those folks would do anything at all.  I then realize I am just far too tired for all of that.  I sit, cry, feel overwhelmed and am action less in my endeavors.  Seems silly that someone who is so scared of dying cannot make steps to stay alive right?  I keep hitting brick walls and the only ones that care are the closest people to me that know really the hell I am going through right now.  To survive and be able to get out of bed everyday, I  should take:

Baby aspirin

Its alot isnt it?  Imagine knowing you need all of those things to stay alive and not having them.  My faith is shaking. My faith in this world is broken.  I am an honest hard working person who needs help from somewhere and cant get it anywhere.  I will not do well or survive without these medications.  THAT is why I fear every single day.  I smile, make jokes, laugh and giggle as much as I can.  I wonder at the end of the day when the whole world is sleeping why I am still awake...worrying.  I know that isnt good either for my health...but Im kind of scared to go to sleep.  My heart attack woke me up that night....will it next time? 
Sorry if this is raw.  Its not my intention to get "poor Shannon" from this.  I just need everyone that knows me to know where I am right now...where I really am.  I have a really hard time letting people into my real world at times, and I really need some strength right now.  This is real, this is where my heart is, and this is what my world is made of right now.  I pray God forgives me for having wavering faith and questioning him because a small part of me still needs to believe he is really there and that this is part of some grand plan.  I just cant figure out for the life of my what that plan is anymore.