A heavy heart

Do you ever have the feeling that your heart is heavy and you can't pinpoint exactly why?  I suppose that is where I am at right now.  This last year was hard on us.  Emotionally, physically, and in a way that makes you happy and sad all in the same breath.  This is not to say "whoa is me" or anything, I know many others go through struggles too, this post is not about that.  It's just a way to try to communicate to myself in writing, and to document growth and experiences in our family-be them happy or sad...and yes....we all have both moments in our lives.  The really great ones we want to embrace and hold onto, and the ones that make you want to learn, grow and yes...sometimes grieve.

I have had some strange experiences in the last month or so.  It has really grabbed me in an emotional way that makes my heart heavy.  I am not depressed or anything, just feeling emotions I did not allow myself to feel for awhile...God only knows why. 

Some of the really important and fundamental foundational relationships of my life are in dissaray right now.  Relationships with those thiat were once my rock, once my breath of fresh air, my place of safety and comfort, and that were once a very big part of who I was when I was in their presence.  Relationships that have been there so very long that they define a huge part of who you are, and how you feel on a daily basis.  Those kind of realtionships.

Not just one person....many actually, all at the same time.  So quickly things changed with all of them that I spent a week almost daily in tears.  I spent many many moments reflecting and replaying events, and thinking, and crying some more.  There are so many things I don't understand.  The worst part is wondering if it's actually that I don't get myself, not that I don't get them.  The scariest part is wondering if I have this vision of myself that really isnt so.  The hardest part has been finding who I am without them around, or without having them in my day to day life.  The loneliest part is feeling like what you thought was there at one point maybe was never actually there at all...if you are just one of these people that sees things through rose colored glasses until you are hit with this epiphony that all was not what you thought it was at all.  Argh!

I know probably a lot of that doesnt make much sense.  It doesnt to me either, so don't feel bad!

Although Ron and Brayden are my whole {and wonderful} world....not having those other important connections in my life are hard.  It has been a month full of reflection and introspection.  I hate these moments in my life quite honestly.  I hate dissention.  I hate hurt feelings, and I hate feeling angry and sad at the same time, both so equally that it hurts my heart.  I hate that I have regrets of things I should have said years ago.  I have regrets of not standing up for myself earlier and making it clear to others that even though I need their help and support at times, that I deserve respect too!  I am a human being with feelings too!  I am no saint, but can say I have always been careful about others feelings and not to hurt anyone in a way that would shake them emotionally.  I think that is the worst kind of pain you can impose on another human being and it's wrong.  I've been shaken.  I am mad at myself for it....because I am stronger than that...this....whatever it is.

This is the time in my life I dreamed about once.  I dreamed I would have lots of family around my child-who would want to be around him, be around me, watch and encourage my child, play with him-me-us...and to be quite honest....it must have been those damn rose colored glasses.  Instead-those things don't really happen.  At least they don't here.  Maybe that's why I embrace every little moment I can.  Maybe that's why I relish and really love those times when I know it's going to be awhile until I again have that wonderful opportunity.  I dreamed that I would hold onto those that knew me best for if anything were ever to happen to me someday with all of my health issues that these fundamental people would be there to tell my son stories about who I was, what I believed in, what I wanted most for him, and that he would be close enough to them to feel the same safety I once felt from them. Those things feel gone now.  That feels scary, and that makes me angry.  The people that you would expect to understand you the most instead mock you for being exactly who you are, and for the circumstances you face.  I feel foolish, like they thought or think I am some joke or something.  I know I am not, but it does not make it any easier.

 I am scared that someday something will happen to me.  I am scared that Brayden will be lost, will have questions, will have feelings that are going to be too strong for him to navigate on his own.  I am scared Ron will shut down and not be much of immediate support for Brayden.  I am scared of a lot of those things.  I am scared that everyone who knew me up until now that I kept close to my heart is no longer close to me...so where does that leave Brayden?  I know you probably think it's silly for me to worry about these things, but what kind of mother doesnt?  Especially one with lots of health issues and no resolve for those in the near future?  Those thoughts haunt me the most when events like these occur in my life.  Maybe that is why my heart feels heavy, yet heavy in a way that makes me more grateful than the average person because I know I have to be, want to be, and need to be for Brayden....so that he can learn happiness from me, love from me, safety from me before I can't be here to teach him those things on my own.  I need to show him enough love and stength that should he need those tools someday he can emulate-navigate his way through those fears with the tools he once saw me embrace. 

I am seeing things pretty clearly now, and although I don't love what I see all the time it doesnt mean that I cannot make my little safe bubble pleasant.  I am trying to do that right now.  I am enjoying Brayden and Ron and the dogs, and hoping that things smooth out soon, but my expectations are not as high as they once were anymore.  Things are a bit more simplified by all of this dissaray that I dislike so much. 

This too shall pass right?

Five Little Monkeys...

Brayden's favorite book right now is Five Little Monkey's.  I honestly had not remembered the book until I finished reading all of it, and midway through the book I looked at Ron as we lay in bed with Brayden and quietly mentioned that I thought this book was a little disturbing ;-) 

Five monkeys getting gobbled up by the mean old crocodile?  Seriously?  I will admit though, that it turned out okay in the end...and now that I have added lots of theatrical voice inflection and jumping as we read together at night, Brayden enjoys it THAT.MUCH.MORE.  Ha!

So...very matter of factly....Brayden requests this book each night now.  He loves it.  Once we are finished reading it, he wants to read to us...and has memorized the book pretty much....his favorite part is..."SNAP!" when the crocodile eats the monkeys.  Oh well...guess it's not too disturbing if this seems to be his ultra favorite part right?

Too funny.

Love you more!!!

Tonight Brayden went with me to a meeting I had at the theater for an upcoming show I am going to be in {more on that later}....

He played on the stage, sang into the microphone, and ran around the theater much like I did as a child.  I loved watching him enjoy himself so much.  What made it even sweeter, was that he played with my childhood best friend Ylsa's daughter Rya.  It was very sweet to watch them interact, and we giggled at how cute it was and briefly recalled some of our own fun memories.

On the way home I told Brayden how proud of his behavior I was and that I loved him.  The rest of our conversation went like this...

{and I had to post it because it made me gut giggle out loud in the van on the way home}.

Me:  You were such a good big boy tonight Brayden, thank you so much....I love you buddy.

Bray:  I love you too Mommy.

Me:  I love you more...

Bray:  I love you more!

Me:  I love you more than the sunshine!!!

Bray:  I love you more-sunshine ;-)

Me:  I love you more than candy!

Bray:  I love you more-candy ;-)

Me:  I love you more than M & M's....

Bray:  {silence}.....Thanks Mommy!

Stinkbutt doesn't love me more than M & M's ;-) 

Oh well....at least it made me almost spit coffee out of my nose as I gut giggled from his innocent and honest response!!!

Bray:  Mommy, what happened?

Me:  Nothing Bray-you made Mommy laugh-you're funny dude!

Bray:  Oh....thanks Mommy!

God Love Him.

I swear...

I swear that I will be back to blogging more often very soon.  Famous last words eh?  Seriously though...I have a ton of things to write about, and a lot more pictures to upload here soon.  We have been so busy going to the playground every single day...no joke.  I never thought those were words I would say in the same sentence, but they are...and it feels great to get to play with my little man every single day in the gorgeous weather.  I know I am falling behind on documenting his life, our moments, all of it...and I will get caught up now I promise.

So...please check back soon as I have a lot of funny stories to share, and I have vowed to spend a lot less time on Facebook and more time back on my blog...;-) ha ha! 

Lots of smiles-Shannon

Brayden Letter {March 2010}

Brayden,

You are growing so fast right now Mommy and Daddy cannot keep up with you and all of the new things you are doing!  You are talking up a storm lately, and love trying to pronounce big words.  You get such a kick out of it.  {phenomenol} {exquisite} {ridiculous} {awesome} are some of your favorites, and it makes us giggle that you actually use them in the right context!  You are a funny little guy.  You love books and constantly beg us to "buy it" when you see a good one you want to have.  At the store you will play with toys in the cart and ask us to put them "back on shelf" before we leave so they will be there next time you come.  Then you beg for the books....{smart kid}!  You know we won't say no to buying those.

You love pineapples and call them t-apples.  You and bubbles have a serious relationship right now.  You put your sneakers on to go out on the patio daily to play with them...clothes on or not!!!

You tell us you love us, offer us hugs and kisses now.  I love that.

You beg to hold the door open for Mommy whenever you can, and especially at the grocery store when I open the door to get the milk.  You remind me to buy diapers and milk every single time we go to Walmart.  Must mean this is the norm items you always see us buying there.

You are so polite.  You always say thank you, please, and you're welcome.

You crave being our "big helper"  You help Mommy stir everything in the kitchen when I make dinner.  You want to help me push the shopping cart.  You want to help me close the doors in the house. You want to help me do my hair. You want to help me brush my teeth...it's all so beautiful and so sweet.  I hope you never lose that.

You love to play catch with us.  You throw left handed.  You love to draw and color whenever you can, and mostly you do that as well with a left hand.  Time will still tell on that one Im sure, but I think it's safe to say you will be a lefty.  You love to be outside.  You are getting so much better with walking with us and staying close.  We can now go to the mall sans stroller-and I am not running the whole time.  We can now tell you that is "far enough" and you know that means to stop walking and wait for us. 

You are the best snugglebear there is.  You cuddle so well, and so sweet.  You sleep 12-13 hours a night, and always wake up with a smile on your face saying "morning Mommy".  I love how you pitter patter into the bedroom some nights and want to sleep with us.  I love waking up to you laying on my hair, with drool on my pillow, and even those mornings where you are hot and sweaty and pretty much STUCK to me!!!  I love it, and I would never trade it for anything in the whole world. 

We love you so much Brayden, and cannot wait to watch you continue to grow, make us giggle and teach us that life is about the little things, the moments, and this time right now. 

Love you Bray

Boring....

Tomorrow it is officially April.  April Fools Day at that!  I can say we have no jokes to share at this time.  Life has been somewhat boring for us lately...and for that I am grateful.  Boring can be good. 

Boring has allowed us to enjoy the beautiful weather we have been having.  We have enjoyed blowing many bubbles outside...on an everyday basis.

Boring has afforded us many trips to the playground, as it IS Brayden's favorite place to go these days...when he is not blowing bubbles that is.

Boring means going to bed early, and laying with Brayden reading books and chatting before bedtime about all of the things we did that day!

We spent much of March being just that.....Boring....and it was PERFECT.

Don't wake a sleeping dog :-(

Hopefully I am officially back to blogging, after my two week hiatus, or more I guess.

We have had a rough few weeks here.  Two weeks ago...Brayden was running into the kitchen and tripped and fell.  The fall would have been fine had he not landed either on, or very close to our 13 year old labs tail {who I think was sleeping at the moment of the fall}.  Just as I went to react to the fall...our beloved dog reacted much faster than I...and bit Brayden right in the face.  Bacca has never bit anyone, he is a loving a caring dog...doesnt growl, nip or otherwise.  I'm sure it was that he hates his tail being touched, and I think Brayden landed on it.  Don't wake a sleeping dog huh?  Not only that, but the fall was loud, and Brayden was right in front of the dog dishes as well.  NOT a good combination. 

Bacca immediately backed off realizing he had just bit Brayden, but I experienced that Mommy adrenaline.  Osteo and all...I lifted our 40 some lb lab off of his feet and relocated him across the kitchen to grab Brayden off of the floor.  At first I glanced at Bray and thought "oh thank God it did not break the skin".  Just as I picked him up...I realized it in fact had broken the skin...and pretty badly.  I carried him into the livingroom and just sat with him for a moment on the couch trying to grasp my thoughts and what had just happened without panicking.  Ron was at work.  Bacca came over and tried to lick me, lick Brayden.  I just held Braydens precious little bleeding face into my chest as I searched around the livingroom for something to put on his face to soak up the blood.  I grabbed the wipes hoping it would not burn, but it was all I had that was clean enough to use on his wounds right away...my mind was racing thinking of infections, scarring, stopping the blood, calming him down...keeping my eye on the dogs....it was an insane moment I would NEVER want to re-live again.

I carried Brayden and the cordless upstairs to the bathroom.  I called Ron and told him to not to panic, but what had happened, and he hung up saying "I'm on my way".  I only had some antiseptic wash in the cabinets, so I gently started washing his face with that and some gauze we had on hand.  I put neosporin on it, and we pretty much flew out the door within seconds of Ron getting home.  I was calm surprisingly, but terrified at the same time.  Brayden kept saying "Mommy...help me, help me help me".  It broke my heart...I kept telling him that I was helping him, and that he would be okay.  I was praying I was right in my words.  Ron commented that I was so calm...he was surprised.  I was surprised at myself.

Brayden had two wounds on the left of his face that warranted being looked at.  They wanted to immediately do stitches.  This made us very nervous.  We asked to see a plastic surgeon to consult with so we could minimize scarring for obvious reasons.  A surgeon came in and recommended that we allow it to heal as is, for that would help the scars be minimal.  He actually did say that the antiseptic wash was the best thing for us to use immediately because it allows wounds as such to stay moist rather than drying them out like peroxide.  Good to know.  If I had peroxide I probably would have used it.  He said that would have inhibited the immediate healing needed to make sure a bite like this heals well.  Anyways, they gave him antibiotics, and sent us home.

Two days later...he was infected and very swollen.  Poor peanut could not even open his left eye, it was swollen shut from the cut he got on his eyelid from the bite.  The K9 tooth punctured his left cheek and also got an infection in it.  We took him to the pediatrician for four appointments to monitor and give antibiotic shots so he could get better.  What a nightmare all of this has been. 

To make a long story short...he had to be on the antibiotics for 12 days...which resulted in diarrhea for 12 days, motrin, benedryl, and Rx diaper rash ointment from all of the diarrhea.  We have had to consult with the Environmental Health Department about Chewbacca and his demeanor.  We had to observe him for ten days, and report back to them...provide health records for the dogs, etc.  After numerous conversations with them I finally broke down and asked them if they were going to make us put the dog to sleep.  I had heard horror stories about this sort of thing.  They reassured me they would not if his behavior is normal.  Thankfully it has been.

As for the dogs...dogs are dogs...and I am upset with myself for letting my guard down and forgetting that with a loud and silly crazy toddler running around the house these days with two VERY old dogs that would probably much rather go back to life sans baby if they had their choice. They both love Brayden...are very protective of him...but again...dogs are dogs.

We have endured some criticism about keeping the dog.  We are keeping him/them.  If this had been a situation where Bacca seeked out Brayden to viciously attack him....he would be gone.  This was not the case.  It was completely a reactive result of the situation.  I am not happy with the dog at all...but it is what it is.  Now we just have to be pragmatic about it...wishing we had been all along.

We have watched our poor peanut go through pain everyday because of his wounds, tummy, bruising, and brief frights about dogs in general.  We have beat ourselves up because we got comfortable with the fact that our dogs were nice dogs and we never thought honestly that one of them would bite Brayden.  We had actually noticed a few days prior that the dogs were in fact acting more nervous in his presence, but dismissed it like idiots. We should have been more proactive. 

The dogs now spend the day in our entrance hallway which is seperated by a glass french door.  They are comfy and happy in there, and Brayden can run the rest of the house without worrying about running into them.  They also spend time in the fenced in back yard when the weather permits.  They are happy, I feel better, and Brayden is oblivious to it all now.

He is healing very very well, and is feeling so much better.  After 12 days on antibiotics...we took him off finally.  He then ended up get the stomach flu, and threw up for two days, stopped urinating for 12 hours and we visited the ER with him for a second time in two weeks...argh!  After some Zofran for nausea they gave him...he started drinking fluids again, urniating and is back to our normal happy little guy....thankfully.

Short of Ron eating glass in his ice cream out to dinner two nights ago...all is getting better in our household.  No joke....more about that story another time. 

Braydens wounds are healing very well, and we are hoping the scarring will be very very small.  We are so glad this ordeal is almost over.  We shall be back to blogging as normal, hopefully very soon ;-)